I have a headache…

Complaining.pngMy back hurts. My dog is at the vet. I stubbed my toe. My mom has a stomach virus. My neighbor put a flaming bag of poo on my doorstep. My dry cleaner didn’t have my clothes ready.  I didn’t sleep at all last night. My kids are soooo sick.

Oh My God SHUT UP. Stop complaining. Are you the perpetual complainer? Or are you constantly being subjected to them? Talk about an annoying office habit indeed. This person doesn’t give a shit about what’s going on in your life let alone the work they’re supposed to be doing. They just want to hear themselves talk. But it’s not just talking they do. It’s the constant griping about how bad they have it. How awful things are in their lives and how much stress they have.

You know that when they accost you in the hallway they’re going to start in on how tough they have it. Maybe they will regale you with stories of how mean their frenemies have been to them lately. Or perhaps you’ll be privy to their latest bout of illness. Ooh even better you’ll find out about all of the internal family strife they’re facing. Because you know you want to hear about how they are feuding with their great Aunt Jacey who refuses to write them into her will because she thinks they are a self absorbed asshole. The nerve!!!

Meanwhile the only thing you’re thinking about while they ramble on is how pleasant it would be for you to be in the midst of a root canal instead of being subjected to their ongoing drivel. As a matter of fact there are a number of things you can imagine yourself doing that don’t involve listening to them bitch and complain. Even if you try to avoid them perhaps they sit next to you or make it a point to stop by your cube uninvited because you’re the only person left in the office that doesn’t get up and leave every time they come around. You’re too darn nice.

Here you go…here’s what you’re going to do from now on when bitchy mcbitcherson tries to engage you in conversation.

  1. You need one of those little office rear view mirror things so you can see them coming before they get to you. As soon as you see them coming, PICK UP YOUR PHONE!!!  You must appear as if you’re in the midst of an intense and business related conversation. You wave as they walk by to be polite but so that there is a clear understanding you cannot be engaged!
  2. Here’s another good option.As soon as they step into your sphere, start complaining. Make shit up if you have to. Don’t let them get a word in. Go into minute detail about your personal ailments. Be graphic. Be descriptive. Leave nothing to the imagination. Bonus points if you mention birth related terms like placenta, mucuous or anal leakage. Then casually excuse yourself leaving them standing there, presumably mouth agape. OR….see belowcubicle-door

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