Coffee, Cafe, Cappuccino – I’m a snob, what’s your excuse?

coffee-snob.jpgWho doesn’t love a delicious, rich, creamy cup of steaming joe in the morning? Ok not everyone drinks coffee but there are enough of us that do indulge that it’s a pretty common occurrence nowadays to have a coffee station in the workplace whether it’s free or paid. How else do you waste the first 20 minutes of the day besides standing around drinking coffee and chatting it up with your coworkers? Well at least in a way that won’t get you arrested, fired, slapped or otherwise that is.

Seems normal enough to enjoy that cup…or five…of coffee during the day. So why does your coworker find it necessary to self brew an entire batch of coffee at their desk with a fancy french press? It started off small. They probably began by buying a cup of coffee on their way to work each day. Then it dawned on them that not only could they save money by doing it themselves but they could have better quality coffee if they brewed it themselves so they began bringing in their favorite blend and brewing it in the office pot. But that wasn’t enough for captain coffee. No…their coffee needed to be of extraordinary quality. And that’s when the various and sundry coffee accouterments began showing up at their desk. First it was a few different blends that they put together. Then a grinder because they needed to have that freshly ground coffee.  It was beans or nothing for them. And finally the french press, hot-pot and personalized mugs made their appearance. For this coffee aficionado only the best will do. Click to see a really cool French Press.

And guess what. No one gives a shit about what kind of coffee they have in the morning. We’re all just basically trudging through the day waiting until it’s over so we can get the hell out of there and home. We only drink the coffee to get a little distraction or a caffeine buzz. Or to avoid getting a headache. But now we have to hear about all of the deficiencies of the coffee bean we’re drinking and how it’s probably filled with additives and carcinogens. Yes the office coffee is going to give you cancer according to coffee know it all. But at this point you wish you had cancer to avoid talking to coffee snob. Then you could die and drink your coffee in peace.

Coffee talk person is compelled to impart the latest research about coffee to you at all times. Before a meeting they are going to tell you all of the health benefits coffee has to offer. On the way to lunch they’re going to tell you the importance of coffee to your sex life. Then as you are getting ready to make a break for the parking lot they’re going to be sure to make you aware that coffee cures bad breath. Um no. No it doesn’t. Coffee person also has the worst breath ever. I digress.

Oh boy on to viable solutions to stop coffee drinker from harassing you about the low quality of the coffee you’re drinking.

  1. When they start taking to you about the quality of your coffee you could say;
    “I’m sorry I don’t really care”
  2. When they begin to tell you about all the wonderful things coffee can do for you, you can say;
    “I’m sorry I don’t really care”
  3. When they ramble on about the painstaking process they go through to perfect the correct brew I recommend saying;
    “I’m sorry I don’t really care”
  4. If they are desperate to explain how the actual brewing process transpires, feel free to say;
    “I’m sorry I don’t really care”
  5. When all else fails I want you to carry a steaming hot cup of coffee with you at all hot-coffee.jpgtimes and accidentally spill it on them when they begin to talk coffee.  Not on the face people!! Shoes, shirt, pants…all fair game. You’re clumsy and you happen to trip when you see them. They’re going to end up avoiding you like the plague.

As an aside…If you spill hot coffee on your crotch or their crotch or pretty much any crotch you’re not going to win a lawsuit against Dunkin Donuts. So you might as well get yourself some DD coffee HERE and drink up.

– Becca

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